Losing My Faith

Sometimes it feels better to deny myself
Pleasures or water or food
When I’m bad

Sometimes it feels better to cut myself
Inside and out
Of my skin

See my blood run, feel it coagulate
On the skin above the
Denial of abuse

Swirling inside this depression
Is so familiar, like looking
Out from behind glass

It’s raining on my side and as the
Tears create streaks inside
I wonder,

Maybe if let them flow long
Enough, they’ll erode
This pain

And I can finally know what it’s like to be normal.

Photo Credit: FUMIGRAPHIK_Photographist Flickr via Compfight cc

An Ordinary Day Turns Extraordinary With a Sip of Coffee

I haven’t been “allowed” to drink coffee (including my beloved espresso) in two years. Severe allergies, they said.

With a newly supplemented liver, my taste buds are yearning for culinary delights recently withheld.

I didn’t go to Whole Food expecting to get a blended mocha, but my goal of “living in each moment” crept in and posed a question without my even asking-

“Do you remember what this tastes like?”

Yes, I do.


Photo Credit: verchmarco Flickr via Compfight cc

What If

Slowly, slowly, the trees grow

Calmly, calmly the ants gather

Gently, the breeze blows

But my mind is filled with what doesn’t matter


I wish I was in a different world, a different time

When my life played to a soundtrack and

My body danced freely

To the beautiful songs in my head


Fear would be gone

And pain diminished

In this reality of dreams

Where walking took days


But within that time

Entire existences were created

Giving birth to unending ease and

Excitement at life


Eyes shining

Boldly singing


In my new light


So, slowly I can grow

Calmly, I can matter

Gently, I can exist

In this world


Connected to the other

Questioning what’s possible

If I only believe

Save Point

If I could go back

To a point within my life

To do what wasn’t done

Choose again, right this time


With all the knowledge I have now

My heart aches with longing

In search of reprieve from the madness

Of Now – of this day


For so long, pondering the point

I would rewind to

Would it all change?

Would I still be me?


Would I know I had chosen?

Or would the weight of bad decisions

Be wiped clean from me?

Coming back from the coma


A save point would guarantee

A do-over

But I wouldn’t remember



Your voice, your touch

The way your eyes follow me

With light across the room as

I walk


Caressing me with love

The times you held me as I cried in the night

The love we made

Wrapped up in grief and anger


All this time to realize

You are my person

And I am yours

I would have to let that go


To avoid tragedy

Only to hope destiny

Will intervene to

Bring us together again.

What we are Becoming

We believe in curses.

The names we’ve been called,

The feeling we were being

Overlooked on the playground


The whispers behind our backs

The quickly muttered greetings

& sideways glances

Hands held between people


But not ours.

We shared our lunch with

No one on a picnic blanket

Meant for two.


Is it the color of our hair

Or the size of our frame

That make them doubt us so?

Or is it that feeling


Deep in the gut

Bubbling underneath the awareness

That’s let them know

Something sinister is lurking?

Hidden Truth



Where they sent me

To recover

Destroyed parts of me


The soft parts

Of my underbelly


And broken,


Like a doll

Who cocks her head

And smiles on cue

Open my mouth

And take a pill

To swallow the crazy

That no one else

Wants to see

Photo Credit: .v1ctor Casale. Flickr via Compfight cc

Burying You


And yet

I stand here,



Surrounded on all

Four Sides

With reminders of you


Staring me down

Telling me it’s

Time to let go


Photo Credit: Ellieboat via Compfight cc


I stand here in the rain
watching you run so you
don’t get your hair wet.

Such a difference
between us.

All the time-
making it seem like
there is no reason for
what I do.

But I love it.
All the droplets falling down.

It makes me believe I will wash away-
if I just stand here long enough.


I will weep

When you get

What you deserve.


I will cry out with pain

When they hit you

And spit on you

And call you names


Showing their hate

Of you,

Making you feel stupid


I will lose sleep

Waiting for you to

Come home, bruised

And beaten


So I can hold you

In my arms and

Rock you to sleep


I will know why.

What you’ve done

Is unforgivable


But you are my son

I can’t help but love

What I’ve created.