Category: Poetry

Losing My Faith

by Helena Toto, posted in Poetry

Sometimes it feels better to deny myself
Pleasures or water or food
When I’m bad

Sometimes it feels better to cut myself
Inside and out
Of my skin

See my blood run, feel it coagulate
On the skin above the
Denial of abuse

Swirling inside this depression
Is so familiar, like looking
Out from behind glass

It’s raining on my side and as the
Tears create streaks inside
I wonder,

Maybe if let them flow long
Enough, they’ll erode
This pain

And I can finally know what it’s like to be normal.

Photo Credit: FUMIGRAPHIK_Photographist Flickr via Compfight cc

An Ordinary Day Turns Extraordinary With a Sip of Coffee

by Helena Toto, posted in Poetry, Prose

I haven’t been “allowed” to drink coffee (including my beloved espresso) in two years. Severe allergies, they said.

With a newly supplemented liver, my taste buds are yearning for culinary delights recently withheld.

I didn’t go to Whole Food expecting to get a blended mocha, but my goal of “living in each moment” crept in and posed a question without my even asking-

“Do you remember what this tastes like?”

Yes, I do.

 

Photo Credit: verchmarco Flickr via Compfight cc

What If

by Helena Toto, posted in hope, Poetry

Slowly, slowly, the trees grow

Calmly, calmly the ants gather

Gently, the breeze blows

But my mind is filled with what doesn’t matter

 

I wish I was in a different world, a different time

When my life played to a soundtrack and

My body danced freely

To the beautiful songs in my head

 

Fear would be gone

And pain diminished

In this reality of dreams

Where walking took days

 

But within that time

Entire existences were created

Giving birth to unending ease and

Excitement at life

 

Eyes shining

Boldly singing

Gypsy-like

In my new light

 

So, slowly I can grow

Calmly, I can matter

Gently, I can exist

In this world

 

Connected to the other

Questioning what’s possible

If I only believe

Save Point

by Helena Toto, posted in Poetry, Uncategorized

If I could go back

To a point within my life

To do what wasn’t done

Choose again, right this time

 

With all the knowledge I have now

My heart aches with longing

In search of reprieve from the madness

Of Now – of this day

 

For so long, pondering the point

I would rewind to

Would it all change?

Would I still be me?

 

Would I know I had chosen?

Or would the weight of bad decisions

Be wiped clean from me?

Coming back from the coma

 

A save point would guarantee

A do-over

But I wouldn’t remember

You

 

Your voice, your touch

The way your eyes follow me

With light across the room as

I walk

 

Caressing me with love

The times you held me as I cried in the night

The love we made

Wrapped up in grief and anger

 

All this time to realize

You are my person

And I am yours

I would have to let that go

 

To avoid tragedy

Only to hope destiny

Will intervene to

Bring us together again.

What we are Becoming

by Helena Toto, posted in ache, Adolescence, alone, longing, Poetry, Youth

We believe in curses.

The names we’ve been called,

The feeling we were being

Overlooked on the playground

 

The whispers behind our backs

The quickly muttered greetings

& sideways glances

Hands held between people

 

But not ours.

We shared our lunch with

No one on a picnic blanket

Meant for two.

 

Is it the color of our hair

Or the size of our frame

That make them doubt us so?

Or is it that feeling

 

Deep in the gut

Bubbling underneath the awareness

That’s let them know

Something sinister is lurking?

Hidden Truth

by Helena Toto, posted in betrayal, fake, Fear, Medicine, mental illness, pain, Poetry

 

 

Where they sent me

To recover

Destroyed parts of me

Unseen

The soft parts

Of my underbelly

Soiled

And broken,

I’m

Like a doll

Who cocks her head

And smiles on cue

Open my mouth

And take a pill

To swallow the crazy

That no one else

Wants to see

Photo Credit: .v1ctor Casale. Flickr via Compfight cc

Burying You

by Helena Toto, posted in ache, Fear, letting go, poem, Poetry, trapped, Uncategorized

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And yet

I stand here,

Trapped

 

Surrounded on all

Four Sides

With reminders of you

 

Staring me down

Telling me it’s

Time to let go

 

Photo Credit: Ellieboat via Compfight cc

Enough

by Helena Toto, posted in alone, Anecdote, longing, Poetry, rain, sadness

I stand here in the rain
watching you run so you
don’t get your hair wet.

Such a difference
between us.

All the time-
making it seem like
there is no reason for
what I do.

But I love it.
All the droplets falling down.

It makes me believe I will wash away-
if I just stand here long enough.

Monster

by Helena Toto, posted in abuse, caring, child, Consequence, Love, Poetry

I will weep

When you get

What you deserve.

 

I will cry out with pain

When they hit you

And spit on you

And call you names

 

Showing their hate

Of you,

Making you feel stupid

 

I will lose sleep

Waiting for you to

Come home, bruised

And beaten

 

So I can hold you

In my arms and

Rock you to sleep

 

I will know why.

What you’ve done

Is unforgivable

 

But you are my son

I can’t help but love

What I’ve created.