Tag: abuse

Losing My Faith

by Helena Toto, posted in Poetry

Sometimes it feels better to deny myself
Pleasures or water or food
When I’m bad

Sometimes it feels better to cut myself
Inside and out
Of my skin

See my blood run, feel it coagulate
On the skin above the
Denial of abuse

Swirling inside this depression
Is so familiar, like looking
Out from behind glass

It’s raining on my side and as the
Tears create streaks inside
I wonder,

Maybe if let them flow long
Enough, they’ll erode
This pain

And I can finally know what it’s like to be normal.

Photo Credit: FUMIGRAPHIK_Photographist Flickr via Compfight cc

Mom

by Helena Toto, posted in abuse, Consequence

Lily sits alone, fighting shadows

under the shade of the pine tree.

 

She wore a tweed skirt today, looking sexy,

but her mom called her a slut and

pushed her down the staircase.

 

What a dangerous game she’s playing;

if she’s not careful, her own daughter

 

will end up dead, with a note that reads,

I wasn’t worth it

 

Mother’s Day came and went

No one called her

Not one of her daughters

 

What can she expect?

She hates.

 

So, call her wicked, call her selfish,

call her the problem,

And keep it going.

 

Lily sits alone

All these years later,

 

her husband beckons from the

doorway, but he’s not there

 

She doesn’t see him.

She’s still fighting shadows

under the shade of the pine tree.

I asked for it

by Helena Toto, posted in ache, alone, betrayal, Consequence, Fear, hurt, Self, trauma

Would you hurt me

If I asked you to

 

Would you strip away my dignity

And undress me with your eyes

 

Let me tremble beneath

Your hungry gaze

 

Even as I covered over

My naked body with my hands

 

And sank to the cold

Bathroom floor

 

Until the tears came

And I sobbed

 

Victimized

But I asked for it, right?

 

So, you’re off the hook.

Photo Credit: mitchell haindfield Flickr via Compfight cc

Monster

by Helena Toto, posted in abuse, caring, child, Consequence, Love, Poetry

I will weep

When you get

What you deserve.

 

I will cry out with pain

When they hit you

And spit on you

And call you names

 

Showing their hate

Of you,

Making you feel stupid

 

I will lose sleep

Waiting for you to

Come home, bruised

And beaten

 

So I can hold you

In my arms and

Rock you to sleep

 

I will know why.

What you’ve done

Is unforgivable

 

But you are my son

I can’t help but love

What I’ve created.

 

This Game

by Helena Toto, posted in abuse, family, marriage, Poetry, relationship, trauma

You and I face each other
weapons in hand
fate tied at the wrist

And as the blood pumps and rushes
what’s left to think about?

I’m faster than you and the
blade cuts into flesh

Spilling your heart out onto the floor.

Photo Credit: atduskgreg via Compfight cc

Run

by Helena Toto, posted in abuse, alone, betrayal, darkness, death, Fear, friend, monster, pain, poem, Poetry

She came to my door
Broken and shamed
Last night to explain
The unexplainable
How she rose above
The light until
She reached the
Darkness of
Your might.
It could
Be easy to
Pretend
But you
Know
That’s
Not
What
She’ll
Do.

photo credit: digitalblasphemy.com

Burned

by Helena Toto, posted in aging, betrayal, dreams, Loneliness, Love, pain, Poetry

Underneath your wings
I used to lie
Breathing softly
Hidden from the world

Upon sanded beaches
Once I craved
The wind as it
Rushed onward

Up from valleys below
Caught between the realities
Sung of
In ancient lullabies

Before feeling brought
Pain and loving
Produced everything
But hate

Now I long for the
Protection and sanctification
Once given to a little child born
In the haunted memories of long ago

Ignored, though never
discarded
Living vividly
Behind an old man’s eyes

Photo Credit: instragram.com/amirkuckovic via Compfight cc