Would you hurt me
If I asked you to
Would you strip away my dignity
And undress me with your eyes
Let me tremble beneath
Your hungry gaze
Even as I covered over
My naked body with my hands
And sank to the cold
Until the tears came
And I sobbed
But I asked for it, right?
So, you’re off the hook.
She stands still, looking out over the sea
I hold my breath, watching from an upstairs window
Does she know she isn’t alone?
A breeze takes her by surprise, and a curl
Of hair is pulled from her cap
Blowing gently across her face.
Does she sense another presence,
Another pair of eyes-observing?
There is a noise in the distance, and
She abruptly turns her head to locate.
I instinctively take a step back in my place
But I have no reason to cower
The shadows give me the upper hand
Does she know she is my salvation?
Everything is so much simpler than
I had previously thought
For all my calculations and detailed notes-
My breathe still catches every time
Observation is not understanding, but
It’s pretty close
And anticipation carries a purpose
Does she sense, in her bones, my
Ache and longing?
Before I realize what’s happening
I’m reaching out to take hold-
My arm, exposed to the moonlight,
My hand slowly closing into a fist.
As the waves crash along the shore
She’s dropping to her knees
Clutching at her throat
Scratching for breath,
Staining her soft white neck
With a frenzy of red.
I realize this is my choice
I realize I deserve this
And at the same time
It will also prove to be my undoing.
But I have waited
I have kept still and quiet
In the shadows
And as my grip tightens,
I watch her reach out once more
To the hissing night-
Before tumbling down
Into the ocean.
Then all is still
The deed is done
I only hope to God
The ocean will
Wash away my sins.
I stand here in the rain
watching you run so you
don’t get your hair wet.
Such a difference
All the time-
making it seem like
there is no reason for
what I do.
But I love it.
All the droplets falling down.
It makes me believe I will wash away-
if I just stand here long enough.
I will weep
When you get
What you deserve.
I will cry out with pain
When they hit you
And spit on you
And call you names
Showing their hate
Making you feel stupid
I will lose sleep
Waiting for you to
Come home, bruised
So I can hold you
In my arms and
Rock you to sleep
I will know why.
What you’ve done
But you are my son
I can’t help but love
What I’ve created.
I’m a planner. I create plans for deadlines every month, every week, day by day, and even moment by moment. Sometimes I use lists, sometimes I type out plans, and sometimes I put events on my Google calendar. But mostly, the plans are in my head. I think I’m improving myself, but in actuality I’m confining myself, minute by minute.
I find that when I base my day to day choices on the plans I’ve already made, I lose myself. I complete tasks, but I’m never content. I always seem to be reaching for that green light at the end of the dock.
I’m not content because I think that if things don’t go according to my plan I won’t be who I’m supposed to be or where I’m supposed to be in my timeline.
Don’t get me wrong, planning is good. It gives us assurance and peace of mind when we prepare ourselves and our family for our future.
But recently, I’ve realized nothing is for certain. We can plan our lives, minute by minute, but the moments that take our breath away are rarely the ones we have planned.
So I ask myself, what if I let go of my grip a little? What if my 5 year plan takes 8 years? What if in 10 years I’m not where I thought I would/should be? What if I allowed for the flow of opportunity to come my way and stopped basing my happiness on my plans for the future?
What if I allowed myself to be happy right now?
Instead of focusing on the destination, I’ve made up my mind to focus on the journey.
Yes, all of us have milestones we want to achieve in our lives, but we can lose ourselves and our present happiness if all we’re focused on are those future events, thinking once we get there, then we’ll be happy.
Day after day, we are inundated with stimuli, data, and other people’s opinions.
If we allow these things to define us, we end up creating and following plans for someone else’s happiness instead of our own. In doing this, we confine ourselves.
But what if we’ve spent hours, days, even years planning out our lives?
It’s okay to change your mind.
It’s okay to change decisions as we learn and grow. We don’t have to stick to plans just because we spent the time making them.
Reality is different than the story we tell ourselves or the picture we paint in our heads of how we think events are supposed to be.
Most of the time, reality is messier. Many times, reality is more beautiful.
If we embrace now, one moment at a time, a surprising thing happens. Each moment of contentedness leads to another, and we realize we’re living happier lives than the ones we had planned.
What dangers have you discovered about over-planning? I invite you to join in the discussion and leave your comment by scrolling to the top of the page or clicking on the link below.
The dizziness overwhelms
And she finds it hard to take a step
Not ready to let go of the banister to
Stand on her own two feet
The nausea comes next
Sort of like pregnancy
But there’s nothing to look forward to here
Like the smell of a newborn
Cuddled in her arms
Just the loneliness surrounding
And the palpable metallic taste
That comes and goes in her mouth
Reminding her she’s made of flesh and blood
Reminding her what she puts in must
Find release, somehow
The healing will come, with time,
But withdrawal is a different beast altogether