Re-Do

What works for me?
What pushes me to be better?
Who gets to see that part of me?
Apart from all the bull shit.

Apart from the burden I feel
Every time I wake up
The choices I’ve made
Have led me here

Have led me away from you
But in another time &
Another place
I would be with you,

Holding your hand
Smiling
Instead of sitting here
Alone, Stagnant

Trapped by what I’ve chosen
What wouldn’t I give up now
To go back and decide again
To make that defining choice, differently

To walk into the sunset with you
Instead of turning back
And choosing familiar
Over the new possible.

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Uncomfort

We do all sorts of things we’re uncomfortable with. We become all sorts of people we’re uncomfortable with. We keep changing, so slowly at first that we never notice until one day, we look in the mirror, and the eyes staring back are unfamiliar and glazed. We’ve not noticed that person before. That person with that look. How unbecoming-to look so real, so raw, so lost.
Do we grab the concealer, shake it off, and continue on, another act-like everything is okay?
Do we omit this strange and unnerving feeling from our daily conversation, so as to not disturb or confuse the flow of things?
Keep ignoring and you will explode. Maybe not now, but eventually you will see that face in the mirror, really see them for who they are: you pleading with yourself to notice what you need. You’ll finally take notice, maybe because it’s been years since you really said yes to that person, maybe out of guilt, maybe out of longing, but mostly from regret. That you were too stubborn or blinded to notice yourself sooner. Who else feels what you feel? Who else can possibly check in and feel what you need, better than you? If you learn how.
What about the why? Why do we find ourselves stuck like this? Why do we compromise so much of ourselves, our voice, our likes, dislikes, desires, and freedoms? For the smiling faces of others? Don’t fool yourself: behind most smiles therein lies the same disquieting thoughts that make it impossible for you to really be you. When people smile back, what are they really smiling at? How many times do we act a part in any given day?
No, don’t give excuses for why, just focus on the question: How many times do we play a role? Spouse, child, parent, guardian, teacher, businessman, writer, devotee, singer, caretaker, etc.
Is this our own decision, or are we prodded by the choices we’ve made to continue to make the same ones, in a revolving circle, so that the first choice we ever made to get us here is blamed for all consecutive choices since? Oh, if I hadn’t married him, I’d be happy, you might say. Or, if I chose a different profession, I’d be someplace different now.
That one choice does not define you, and that one choice has not led you here. It’s a compilation of millions of choices day after day, minute after minute, second after second that has led you here. In any given moment, tens of thousands of inconsistencies or moments within moments can happen, spurred on by all different moments, leading to the one you’re experiencing. Walk out the door and thousands of things can happen, all brought about by a thousand other things, some in your control, most not in your control. So no, that one choice did not bring you here.
But that one choice is keeping you here. That one choice is keeping your mind so locked up that you aren’t able to process the moments now differently enough, so you keep making the same patterned choices you made before, leading yourself to believe it’s because of that one decision. It’s not the decision, it’s the way you’ve patterned your brain, it’s how you think, not what.
Now, clean out the how, change the pathways, and your choices will be different because your fundamental thinking pattern will be different. Hopefully, more attuned to you, and less attuned to projections, flashbacks, and stagnation.

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Husband

I take care of him
It’s all he asks for
But it’s a mighty request

Shopping, cleaning, laundry
Cooking, working, loving
Caring, caressing, covering

I was alone for most of the weekend – any activities away from the house, and he wasn’t there. I don’t mind leaving him be. I’ve been there – in isolation, not wanting any help, so I understand. Sometimes the only way out is through, but it does get lonely. And I do need help.

And then he grumbles
When I ask him to
Wash the dishes

Like a spoiled child
Expecting ownership
Of his caste.

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Last Image

The cabin air feels tight
Depressurizing
And as I sit here not yet realizing
What’s happening,

A picture pops into my head
Of you, eating grapes
At our table

Laughing at the ordinary moment
Of me dropping my milk
“Typical” You smirked

And that smile lingers
On the horizon as I
Softly go to sleep

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Silent

Your hand reaches out
Taking hold of my throat
Closing, closing
Choking the goodness from my lungs

Seeping, sweeping onto the floor
Crumpling down
Down I go
Losing consciousness

For a moment,
Taking me by surprise
Your words hit me
This time

Like they haven’t before
Revealing the stain of pain behind my eyes

But this is my job
To listen
To not hurt, to not react

So I deaden my eyes
Forcing a smile

Not giving myself away

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Why I don’t Write

Do I write for fun?
Or when the power of words hit me?
Do I write to process, to understand
The beauty of things that surround?

Would I write if energy was freely given,
Flowing to me in a continuous
And purifying rain of words?

If the bones in my hand didn’t ache
As I typed
And my heavy head wasn’t throbbing
From buried pain?

If my day wasn’t congested with
Chores and human frailties
Could I produce
A brilliant new world?

Or would I still sit here, wilting
Creativity dripping down the
Sides of my face
Not knowing how to come back from all this madness?

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Ache

To be continually confined,
Scratching at the high walls of my
Cell until my fingers
Bleed, with no one listening to my
Whimpers except the moon.

She’s the only one who never
Gave up – on me –
Continued to shine on –
Despite all I’ve done

I keep desperate hold on that thought
As I lay down each night to sleep –
Holding my blanket of moonbeams
As I dream of all that
Could have been.

Photo credit:
DigitalBlasphemy.com

Release

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My burdened mind
Into the now
So I’m no longer haunted
By my past

The voices that judge
The sounds that disturb
My peace
Give way to nothing

And I’m here.
For the first time in my life,
I’m really here.

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Run

She came to my door
Broken and shamed
Last night to explain
The unexplainable
How she rose above
The light until
She reached the
Darkness of
Your might.
It could
Be easy to
Pretend
But you
Know
That’s
Not
What
She’ll
Do.

photo credit: digitalblasphemy.com

Witness

She took you away.
To fill her head and
I held you close.

You’re crying. And I’m
dying and I don’t have
any more to give.
Except my life for you.

So remember that day when
the sky turned golden and
the earth spilled you out
into the snow.
Wet and red.

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