I asked for it

Would you hurt me

If I asked you to

 

Would you strip away my dignity

And undress me with your eyes

 

Let me tremble beneath

Your hungry gaze

 

Even as I covered over

My naked body with my hands

 

And sank to the cold

Bathroom floor

 

Until the tears came

And I sobbed

 

Victimized

But I asked for it, right?

 

So, you’re off the hook.

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Burying You

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And yet

I stand here,

Trapped

 

Surrounded on all

Four Sides

With reminders of you

 

Staring me down

Telling me it’s

Time to let go

 

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Vengeance

She stands still, looking out over the sea

I hold my breath, watching from an upstairs window

Does she know she isn’t alone?

 

A breeze takes her by surprise, and a curl

Of hair is pulled from her cap

Blowing gently across her face.

 

Does she sense another presence,

Another pair of eyes-observing?

There is a noise in the distance, and

She abruptly turns her head to locate.

 

I instinctively take a step back in my place

Of concealment

But I have no reason to cower

The shadows give me the upper hand

Does she know she is my salvation?

 

Everything is so much simpler than

I had previously thought

For all my calculations and detailed notes-

My breathe still catches every time

She moves.

 

Observation is not understanding, but

It’s pretty close

And anticipation carries a purpose

Does she sense, in her bones, my

Ache and longing?

 

Before I realize what’s happening

I’m reaching out to take hold-

My arm, exposed to the moonlight,

My hand slowly closing into a fist.

 

As the waves crash along the shore

She’s dropping to her knees

Clutching at her throat

Scratching for breath,

Staining her soft white neck

With a frenzy of red.

 

I realize this is my choice

I realize I deserve this

And at the same time

It will also prove to be my undoing.

 

But I have waited

I have kept still and quiet

In the shadows

 

And as my grip tightens,

I watch her reach out once more

To the hissing night-

Before tumbling down

Into the ocean.

 

Then all is still

The deed is done

I only hope to God

The ocean will

Wash away my sins.

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Enough

I stand here in the rain
watching you run so you
don’t get your hair wet.

Such a difference
between us.

All the time-
making it seem like
there is no reason for
what I do.

But I love it.
All the droplets falling down.

It makes me believe I will wash away-
if I just stand here long enough.

Monster

I will weep

When you get

What you deserve.

 

I will cry out with pain

When they hit you

And spit on you

And call you names

 

Showing their hate

Of you,

Making you feel stupid

 

I will lose sleep

Waiting for you to

Come home, bruised

And beaten

 

So I can hold you

In my arms and

Rock you to sleep

 

I will know why.

What you’ve done

Is unforgivable

 

But you are my son

I can’t help but love

What I’ve created.

 

The Danger of Over-Planning

I’m a planner.  I create plans for deadlines every month, every week, day by day, and even moment by moment.  Sometimes I use lists, sometimes I type out plans, and sometimes I put events on my Google calendar.  But mostly, the plans are in my head.  I think I’m improving myself, but in actuality I’m confining myself, minute by minute.

I find that when I base my day to day choices on the plans I’ve already made, I lose myself.  I complete tasks, but I’m never content.  I always seem to be reaching for that green light at the end of the dock.

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I’m not content because I think that if things don’t go according to my plan I won’t be who I’m supposed to be or where I’m supposed to be in my timeline.

Don’t get me wrong, planning is good.  It gives us assurance and peace of mind when we prepare ourselves and our family for our future.

But recently, I’ve realized  nothing is for certain.  We can plan our lives, minute by minute, but the moments that take our breath away are rarely the ones we have planned.

What If?

So I ask myself,  what if I let go of my grip a little?  What if my 5 year plan takes 8 years?  What if in 10 years I’m not where I thought I would/should be?  What if I allowed for the flow of opportunity to come my way and stopped basing my happiness on my plans for the future?

What if I allowed myself to be happy right now?

Instead of focusing on the destination, I’ve made up  my mind to focus on the journey.

Yes, all of us have milestones we want to achieve in our lives, but we can lose ourselves and our present happiness if all we’re focused on are those future events, thinking once we get there, then we’ll be happy.

Day after day, we are inundated with stimuli, data, and other people’s opinions.

If we allow these things to define us, we end up creating and following plans for someone else’s happiness instead of our own.  In doing this, we confine ourselves.

But what if we’ve spent hours, days, even years planning out our lives?

It’s okay to change your mind.

It’s okay to change decisions as we learn and grow.  We don’t have to stick to plans just because we spent the time making them.

Reality is different than the story we tell ourselves or the picture we paint in our heads of how we think events are supposed to be.

Most of the time, reality is messier.  Many times, reality is more beautiful.

If we embrace now, one moment at a time, a surprising thing happens.  Each moment of contentedness leads to another, and we realize we’re living happier lives than the ones we had planned.

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What dangers have you discovered about over-planning?  I invite you to join in the discussion and leave your comment by scrolling to the top of the page or clicking on the link below.

https://htwriting.com/2016/05/17/the-danger-of-over-planning/#respond

 

Medicine

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The dizziness overwhelms

And she finds it hard to take a step

 

Not ready to let go of the banister to

Stand on her own two feet

 

The nausea comes next

In waves

 

Sort of like pregnancy

But there’s nothing to look forward to here

 

Like the smell of a newborn

Cuddled in her arms

 

Just the loneliness surrounding

And the palpable metallic taste

 

That comes and goes in her mouth

Reminding her she’s made of flesh and blood

 

Reminding her what she puts in must

Find release, somehow

 

The healing will come, with time,

But withdrawal is a different beast altogether

 

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