Tag: alone

Re-Do

by Helena Toto, posted in Choice, Consequence, dreams, Fear, happiness, life, Loneliness, Love, memory, Poetry

What works for me?
What pushes me to be better?
Who gets to see that part of me?
Apart from all the bull shit.

Apart from the burden I feel
Every time I wake up
The choices I’ve made
Have led me here

Have led me away from you
But in another time &
Another place
I would be with you,

Holding your hand
Smiling
Instead of sitting here
Alone, Stagnant

Trapped by what I’ve chosen
What wouldn’t I give up now
To go back and decide again
To make that defining choice, differently

To walk into the sunset with you
Instead of turning back
And choosing familiar
Over the new possible.

Photo Credit: Ennor via Compfight cc

Why I don’t Write

by Helena Toto, posted in ache, belief, Fear, Loneliness, longing, pain, poem, Poetry, reasons, why, writing

Do I write for fun?
Or when the power of words hit me?
Do I write to process, to understand
The beauty of things that surround?

Would I write if energy was freely given,
Flowing to me in a continuous
And purifying rain of words?

If the bones in my hand didn’t ache
As I typed
And my heavy head wasn’t throbbing
From buried pain?

If my day wasn’t congested with
Chores and human frailties
Could I produce
A brilliant new world?

Or would I still sit here, wilting
Creativity dripping down the
Sides of my face
Not knowing how to come back from all this madness?

Photo Credit: Wouter de Bruijn via Compfight cc

Run

by Helena Toto, posted in abuse, alone, betrayal, darkness, death, Fear, friend, monster, pain, poem, Poetry

She came to my door
Broken and shamed
Last night to explain
The unexplainable
How she rose above
The light until
She reached the
Darkness of
Your might.
It could
Be easy to
Pretend
But you
Know
That’s
Not
What
She’ll
Do.

photo credit: digitalblasphemy.com

Burned

by Helena Toto, posted in aging, betrayal, dreams, Loneliness, Love, pain, Poetry

Underneath your wings
I used to lie
Breathing softly
Hidden from the world

Upon sanded beaches
Once I craved
The wind as it
Rushed onward

Up from valleys below
Caught between the realities
Sung of
In ancient lullabies

Before feeling brought
Pain and loving
Produced everything
But hate

Now I long for the
Protection and sanctification
Once given to a little child born
In the haunted memories of long ago

Ignored, though never
discarded
Living vividly
Behind an old man’s eyes

Photo Credit: instragram.com/amirkuckovic via Compfight cc

The Pain of Adolescence

by Helena Toto, posted in Adolescence, Poetry, Youth

Too much time has passed to save her.

All that’s left is a hollow

Right here in my chest.

I miss her – the fun we used to have –

The realness & fullness between us –

Ripe, like summer fruit.

The juice drips as I take a bite

And taste the flavor – remembering her.

All that’s left is an image of a scared

Girl in a box, trapped – cowering down as

The walls move inward to flatten her

New world. I can’t reach her, try as I might

To lift her out – to tell her (convince her) none

Of it matters – it’s not real.  But I can’t get

To her. The walls are too thick – she

Can’t hear me above her own pain.

Fifteen years is a long time to wait to wake up.

The scariest part is I think she may

Still be asleep, not realizing she’s not a

Scared kid anymore &

The four walls of high school are

Never coming back.

You Are Not Alone

by Helena Toto, posted in Anecdote, Fear

I am a writer. I am brave. I am beautiful. I am scared. I am not fearless. Anyone who says so is a liar. The first step towards growth is admitting there is fear, admitting you are scared. But I can stay here, in this fear, or I can step forward. I may drag fear with me-the path out could be longer than I’d like to imagine, but at least I’d be moving forward and not dismally backwards, or tragically stagnant.

People are scared. They are scared shitless. WE can make this for something. We can create good from this. Give it back. Give all of it back. All the fear you feel, all the bravery you’ve known, all the love that creates, take that up inside you and pour it back out. So people know they are not alone.